I arrived in London in a September autumn night in 2010. I had a panic attack before I left my country; the night before my flight. The reason was obvious. I was traumatised by my abusive ex partner. All I knew that I had to leave my country. I had no clue what the future held for me but it was my one and only attempt to give my life another chance. It was an all or nothing situation for me. I remember seeing the London lights from the plane window. There was a mixed sense of anxiety and excitement. But I was expressionless. An odd sense of relief was inside me thinking "no one knows me in London or my story. I wouldn’t have to be hyper vigilant about who was following me. I could go out without the fear of being seen, recognised or attacked. I could have a new life. "
Even though the future was unknown to me in 2010, I had the intuition that my life would be better than before. When we lose everything in our lives, our survival instinct kicks really hard. We start becoming aware of our strengths and capacities which we would not be able to identify
otherwise. Actually, there were no alternatives left for me but to use my life energy to make me survive. So, I kept following my heart and trusted the universe that somehow things would eventually get better for me. This was how I had learned that when we want something passionately and use our life force to get it, the universe listens, the universe gives.
When I had arrived in London, I was too tired to feel anything. A family came to pick me up at the airport. I never met them before, I didn’t know them. It was my mom's cousin who arranged my first place to stay upon arrival. I was tired, shy, scared and stressed. Of course, I arrived here as a Master's student but studying was not the primary intention.
I was unsure of what to expect from the newly met family. The lady was 4/5 years older than me. Very stylish and chatty. Her husband seemed more reserved. They had an 8 months old daughter. I have never been the person who was very good with an unfamiliar situation and unknown people. Not to mention, traumas affected me in a way that I tend to be hyper vigilant all the time. It takes a great deal of effort and time for someone to make me trust him/her. So when I had met them, I started being extra cautious. One of the reasons for being cautious was to avoid any kind of conversation of my country. I thought they would judge me if they knew what I had gone through. Clearly, everything is a woman's fault in our culture. And I already had enough judgment being a woman in a Muslim developing country.
Their daughter became very fond of me too soon. I went to their home, ate, had a little chit chat and went to bed with a heavy heart. So many emotions deep down but I couldn’t tell exactly how I was feeling. It was heavy and empty at the same time. It is one of the conditions of someone who struggles with BPD. I sometimes struggle to figure out what exactly I feel at a given moment. By the way, I still did not know that I was suffering from BPD and PTSD back in 2010.
To be continued...
Love from me to you